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A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Sheriffs Deputy.
He thinks that he is smarter than the Deputy because he is sure that he has a better education.
He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the deputies expense...
Deputy says, "License and registration, please."
Lawyer says, "What for?"
Deputy says, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign ."
Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."
Deputy says, "You still didn't come to a complete stop. License and regist ration, please."
Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"
Deputy says, "The difference is, you have to come to a complete stop, that's the law.
License and registration, please!"
Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration
and you give me the ticket,if not you let me go and no ticket."
Deputy says, "Exit your vehicle, sir."
At this point, the deputy takes out his nightstick and starts beating the ever-loving crap out of the lawyer and says:
"Do you want me to stop or just slow down?"
School Fees
Kofi was sacked from a boarding school for not paying his tuition fees.He quickly sent a telegram to his father. These were
the words he wrote:
Hi Dad,
School fees unpaid,classroom unstayed,dining room ungone. Send me gari and shito otherwise dead body.
The Angry Girl's Letter
Dear my dearest,
This is your girlfriend calling you from Besease town. Before I go on, how is your air condition? When you come to eat
your holiday vacation you do something I don't like at all. You take another girlfriendship and so it pains me.
The first time you see me you say I beautiful than all the girls in Besease town but I hear people say you say I no beautiful.
If I no beautiful I wont say anything. I will give all to God and God will eat my case for me. Even when you came to eat your
holiday vacation and it is raining you pass through the rain and come and stand by my window place and call me. And do you
think what you have done if I throw you medicine it won't hit you? It will hit you only I am a christianity so I won't throw
you. Now I get a new boyfriendship and he do work in aeroplane.
Even you the first time I love you frindship you say you will give me this you will give me that and so you thinking the
secondary school you go I can't go some. I can go some. I can go some. You say I no beautiful, I and you who is beautiful?
Your face like a goat. Because of what you have done, God will beat you with a stick and eat my case for me. When you come
to Besease I will show you wise. Apiiitor.
Your girlfriendship.
Aggie
Comments: This Joke is best enjoyed if you have a Ghanaian background. The fun is centred on the choice of words and literal
translation.
Little Johnny
Little Johnny came running into the house and asked,
"Mommy, can little girls have babies?"
"No," said his Mom, "Of course not."
Little Johnny then ran back outside and his Mom heard him yell to his friends, "It's okay, we can play that game
again!"
Cock-a-doodle-doo
A small village priest was very fond of the hens he kept in the hen house behind the parish rectory. He had a cock rooster
and about a dozen hens.
One Saturday evening, he noticed that the cock rooster was missing. He suspected that cock fights were taking place in
the village, so he decided to do something about it at church the following morning.
The next morning at mass, he asked the congregation, "Does anyone have a cock?" All the men stood up.
"Oh no," he said, "that wasn't what I meant. Has anyone seen a cock?" All the women stood up.
"No, that wasn't what I meant," he said. "Has anyone seen a cock that doesn't belong to them?" Half
of the women stood up.
"Oh dear," he said, "that wasn't what I meant, either. Has anyone seen my cock?" All the nuns stood
up!
imagine the kind of fight that broke out between the priest's wife and the nuns
Lawyers!!!
Reported in the Nairobi Bar Association Lawyers monthly Journal, the following are questions actually asked of witnesses
by lawyers during trials and, in certain cases, the responses given by insightful witnesses:
1. "Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?"
2. "The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?"
3. "Were you present when your picture was taken?"
4. "Were you alone or by yourself?"
5. "Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?" 6
. "Did he kill you?"
7. "How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?"
8. "You were there until the time you left, is that true?" 9. "How many times have you committed suicide?"
10. Q: "So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?"
A: "Yes."
Q: "And what were you doing at that time?"
11. Q: "She had three children, right?"
A: "Yes."
Q: "How many were boys?"
A: "None."
Q: "Were there any girls?"
12. Q: "You say the stairs went down to the basement?"
A: "Yes."
Q: "And these stairs, did they go up also?"
13. Q: "Mr. Kimani, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?
A: "I went to Europe, sir."
Q: "And you took your new wife?"
14. Q: "How was your first marriage terminated?"
A: "By death."
Q: "And by whose death was it terminated?"
15. Q: "Can you describe the individual?"
A: "He was about medium height and had a beard."
Q: "Was this a male or female?"
16. Q: "Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a exposition notice which I sent to your lawyer?"
A: "No, this is how I dress when I go to work."
17. Q: "Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?"
A: "All my autopsies are performed on dead people."
18. Q: "All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?"
A: "Oral."
19. Q: "Do you recall the time that you examined the body?"
A: "The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m."
Q: "And Mr. Mbogori was dead at the time?"
A: "No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy."
20. Q: "You were not shot in the fracas?"
A: "No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the naval."
21. Q: "Are you qualified to give a urine sample?"
A: "I have been since early childhood."
Whisper
Once a young boy (about 5yrs) went to church with her mother and this was ensued between them as the church service went
on.
Boy: Mum, I want to urinate...
Mother: Hey, Kofi, don't say that. Its not polite. Say I wants to whisper.
the following week, the boy went to church with his father and in the middle
of the service the boy asked again.
Boy: Dad, I want to Whisper
Dad: Oh,kofi never mind, you can whisper into my ears.
The Prayer of the Christian Bachelor
Lord, you know I love Christi, but there is also Anastacia and am not forgetting Beatrice even though I've not mentioned
Grace.
Recently, when I was with Agnes after leaving Patricia, I met Gifty at the Choir and not to mention Joana at the other
fellowship.
Oh ! Lord am now confused, because a few days after leaving Mary, I've met Judith who has impressed me more than Irene.
Lord I need your answer.
Mr. Nothing Speech
Good morning and Good Day to you all, ladies and gentle men gathered here. It is my previledge to stand before you, stand
behind you, to tell you something I know nothing about. Last week wednesday, the day before thursday, there was to be men
meeting for women only. The rate is free, but don't forget to pay at the gate. Put up a chair by sitting on the floor, then
we shall all discover the four corners of the round table. Thanks for your honor.
Why Cow?
A student was severly punished by a teacher for failing to spell the word "COW" correctly. The student reported
this to his father in the house and this was what ensued between the father and the teacher.
Father: why did you punish my child for not able to spell this big animal "COW".
Teacher: Sir, but its not difficult to spell and ....
Father: And what? This small boy, how can he spell "COW", instead of you giving him a simple small word like
"MOSQUITO". You couldn't reason and gave him such big Animal to spell.
How Was I born?
A young son came running to his Daddy and asked, "Daddy, Daddy, how was I born?"
Daddy said, "Oh, very well, my blessed son, one day you will find that out anyway! Your Mom and I got together in
a chat room on AOL. I, your Dad, set up a date via e-mail with your mom and we met at a cybercafe. We sneaked into a private
room, and then your mom stuck dad's memory stick into her USB port for downloading your file. An excited Dad could not refuse
went on to fully upload. It was discovered that neither one of them had used a firewall.
Since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later the blessed virus appeared.
And we have you my dear!
Phone Call
A phone call from Daddy.......
"Hi honey, this is Daddy... Is your Mummy near the phone?"
"No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Frank."
After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But you haven't got an Uncle Frank, honey!"
"Oh yes, I do, and he's upstairs in the bedroom with Mummy right now."
"Uh, Okay, then.....here's what I want you to do. Put down the phone, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door
and shout to Mummy and Uncle Frank that Daddy's car just pulled up outside the house."
"Okay, Daddy!"
A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone.
"Well, I did what you said, Daddy."
"And what happened?" he asks.
"Well, Mummy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming, then she tripped over
the rug and fell down the stairs and she's not moving any more.
"Oh no...and what about Uncle Frank?"
"He jumped out of bed with no clothes on too,and he was all scared and he jumped out the back window into the swimming
pool.... but he must have forgot that last week you took out all the water to clean it, so he hit the bottom of the swimming
pool and he's not moving either."
************************ long pause*****************************
Then Daddy says, "Swimming pool??? Is this 597-7039?"
And the Winner Is.....
This one actually happened at Harvard University in October last year.
In a biology class, the professor was discussing the high glucose levels found in semen.
A young female (freshman), raised her hand and asked, "If I understand what you are saying, there is a lot of glucose
in male semen, as in sugar?"
"That's correct," responded the professor, going on to add much statistical data.
Raising her hand again, the sweet young thing asked, "Then why doesn't it taste sweet?"
After a stunned silence, the whole class burst out laughing, the poor girl turned bright red and as she realized exactly
what she had inadvertently said (or rather implied), she picked up her books without a word and walked out of the class.
However, as she was going out of the door, the professor's reply was a classic. Totally straight-faced, he answered her
question, "It doesn't taste sweet because the taste buds for sweetness are on the tip of your tongue and not in the back
of your throat!
Never Argue With a Woman
A couple goes on vacation to a fishing resort in northern Minnesota. The husband likes to fish at the crack of dawn. The wife
likes to read.
One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the
lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and continues to read her book.
Along comes a game warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning, Ma'am. What are you
doing?"
"Reading a book," she replies, [thinking "Isn't it obvious?"]
"You're in a restricted fishing area," he informs her.
"I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing; I'm reading."
"Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and
write you up."
"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman.
"But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden.
"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment."
"Have a nice day, ma'am," and he left. . .
MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's probable she can also think.
Ooops
Q: What is the difference between men and puppies?
A: Puppies grow up.
Q: Why do men always have a stupid look on their faces?
A: Because they are...
Q: What do men have in common with ceramic tiles?
A: Lay them properly once and you can walk all over them forever.
Q: If you drop a man and a brick out of a plane, which one would hit
the
ground first?
A: Who cares?????.....
Q: What did God say after he created man?
A: I can do better than this! And then he created woman!
Q: What's the difference between an intelligent man & a UFO ?
A: I don't know, I've never seen either.
Q: What are two reasons why men don't mind their own business?
A: i) no mind ii) no business.
Q: Why did Moses wander in the desert for 40 years?
A: Because even back then men wouldn't ask for directions.
Q: What is the difference between men and pigs?
A: Pigs don't turn into men when they drink...
Q: What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
A: The same urge that makes dogs chase vehicles they have no intention
of
driving.
Q: What do you do with a man who thinks he's God's gift?
A: Exchange him.
Q: Why do men like smart women?
A: Opposites attract.
Second Place
While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and started to run amuck. I was
finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons.
I told her that if she didn't start behaving herself right now, she would be punished. To my horror, she looked me in
the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, "If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you
kissing Daddy's Pee-pee last night!"
The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing! I mustered
the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing that I heard, as the door closed
behind me was the screams of laughter.
Good Night Kiss
One night a guy took his girlfriend home.
As they were about to bid each other goodnight at the front door, the guy started feeling a little in the mood.
With an air of confidence, he leaned with his hand against the wall and smiling, he said to her "Honey, would you
give me a kiss?"
Horrified, she replied, "Are you mad? My parents will see us!"
"Oh come on! Who's gonna see us at this hour?" He asked grinning at her.
"No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?"
"Oh come on! There's nobody around, they're all sleeping!"..
"No way. It's just too risky!" "Oh please, please, I love you so much?!?".
"No, no, and no. I love you too, but I just can't!"
"Oh yes you can. Please?"...
"No, no. I just can't"
"I'm begging you..."
Out of the blue, the light on the stairs went on, and the girl's older sister showed up in her pajamas, hair disheveled,
and in a sleepy voice she said, "Dad says to go ahead and give him a kiss, or I can do it.
Or if need be, mom says she can come down herself and do it, but for God's sake and all of ours. ..
TELL HIM TO TAKE HIS HAND OFF THE CALLING BELL!
The Difference In Friendships
Friends of women:
A wife was not at home for a whole night. So she tells her husband, the very next morning, that she stayed at her girlfriend's
apartment over night. So the husband calls 10 of her best girlfriends and none of them confirm that.
Friends of men:
A husband was not at home for a whole night. So he tells his wife the very next morning, that he stayed at his friend's
apartment over night. So the wife calls 10 of his best friends and 5 of them confirm that he stayed at their apartments that
night and another 5 are claiming that he is still with them.
How to Tell an African From an African
It comes, as something of a surprise to many Africans to discover that all Africans look the same to non-Africans... How do
you tell a Nigerian from a Kenyan? And I am not talking about passports or clothing. The easiest way, of course, is the name,
for example "Ogunkoye", "Ekwekwe" or "Babangida" can only be a Nigerian, a "Njoroge",
"Otieno" or "Kilonzo" must be from Kenya. Where else would you bump into a name like "Promise",
"Immaculate" or "Patience" other than in Zimbabwe? And where do the Dunns come from? ----- they are surely
from Liberia or Sierra Leone.
Surely everybody knows that the loud, boisterous and cocky ones are the West Africans; the brooding and sly ones are the
North and South Africans; the East Africans always say yes even when they disagree vehemently. No wonder there have been very
few coups in this region. They have no guts to go against the establishment. They are also the UN's first choice for Peace-Keeping
duties worldwide.
Forget about the Egyptians and Sudanese who change their continents based on which side of the bread is buttered. When
convenient, and the Petro-Dollar is flowing, they masquarade as Arabs. When the World Bank is dishing out aid to the third-world,
they shuffle themselves, cup-in-hand, jostling for the paltry aid given to poor African countries.
If you want to be more specific, the Cameronians will borrow money to buy Champagne. They can even sell a hole in their
pockets to ape the bourgeois. The Ghanaians think they invented politics. No Ghanaian worth his salt will conclude a conversation
without mentioning the famous Kwame Nkurumah or quoting a phrase from one of his speeches. Even when bargaining at the Bazaar,
a 'Kwame' phrase has a magical effect. The problem is they think that this effect is worldwide!!! A dukawalla in Bombay was
forgiven for thinking "Kwame" was a unit of currency in Africa!
The Congolese think they have the best music and the best dancers. They have this heavenly feeling that they were brought
into this world to Sing and Dance...and please, for your own safety, don't you dare challenge that! A Congolese can be spotted
from afar by the gait of his walk.... and it also depends on the mood of the walker: A "Ndombolo" walk is a sign
of happiness (..also means 'I've just had it'); a "Baba
Gaston" walk a sign of old age.
The Nigerians have a THING about clothes and jewellery. They are the Indians of Africa; you'll always find a Nigerian
in any part of the world... there is one contending for Mayorship somewhere in remote Russia of all the places. There is a
Nigerian Police inspector in the Falklands .... and there is a Nigerian Cashier at the First National Bank of Woolongong....
(somewhere in Australia) I wonder how long he'll be there before he decides to become fluidy with the cash. They are like
cockroaches and will be found in the most unusual places.
The Ethiopians think they have the most beautiful women on God's earth.(think about it, have your ever seen! an ugly Ethiopian
Lady?...no, not the post-menopause geriatric one, we are talking about the under 45 or so..hmm.)
We won't talk about the Somalis for the time being as they are suffering from a severe identity crisis. How else do you
explain a Somali holding a Kenyan Passport saying he was born and raised in "Pand-Pieri"(somewhere in Kisumu) while
the same gentleman cannot utter the basic general greeting?
Moroccans think they're French and so do the Burkinabes. Algerians hate the French. Sierra Leonians smile profusely. Liberians
can't get over America... they copy everything including Rambo... no wonder they have Rambo-style rumbles in the jungle. Call
it an influence from Hollywood?
All East and South African countries have more or less the same boring national anthems, but the South Africans sing it
the best. Which other national anthem can make your feet loose control and do a jig on their own? The South Africans have
thick and
springy hair; the Zambians and Kenyans have prominent foreheads. The Nigerians have thick luscious lips and their females
possess some of the widest posteriors.
The West Africans have short memories and never learn from their mistakes; how many times are they caught all over the
world on drug-related cases yet they continue the trade. How many times are they going to send those silly chain letters asking
for bank accounts and pretending they are sons of Chief so and so?
The concept of order and discipline must have been invented in East Africa; the words don't exist in West Africa, especially
in Nigeria....does anyone know how many coups that country has endured? When a cabinet minister is caught in a corruption
scandal, he
commits suicide in Southern Africa; in West Africa he's promoted after the next coup d'etat. In Kenya, he is stripped
of his Cabinet post for a short while till the dust settles and then re-instated to a higher Cabinet post which amalgamates
his earlier Cabinet post. In essence, he still controls his earlier Ministerial post by proxy.
In athletics, the divisions are easy: from 800m to the marathon the East Africans hold sway; the West Africans are only
good at the sprints. South Africans can only sing. But when it comes to football(soccer), the North and West Africans dominate
the lesser-skilled East and South African.
Edificatory Stories
1. Once there were two friends walking home from school. They saw an airplane flying in the skies, one of them said that Kuffuor
was in the plane and the other said that he was not. They argued continuously till they saw a man sitting on a bench reading
a newspaper. So they decided to ask him.
"Is Kuffuor in the plane?"
The man answered, "No, he is not in the plane because there are no dispatch riders in front of the plane."
2. There lived two old men in a community namely Mr. Obi and Mr. Oko. Their health condition was very bad and within a
few days Mr. Obi died.
An obituary was made during the funeral arrangement and pasted around the town. There was this small boy in the family
who saw it.
Two weeks later, Mr. Oko died and also an obituary was made. This boy ran to his father and told him there was a mistake
and that when Mr. Obi died an obituary was made but they were using Mr. Obi's name instead of Mr. Oko, therefore there should
be okotuary.
3. A magician was to perform to an audience. He came with his assistant and asked his assistant to fetch him a pail of
water and hang it on a hook. The magician covered the pail of water with a cloth. Covering the pail, lo and behold, the pail
had disappeared leaving the water hanging on the hook.
4. There were three friends in a village, namely Peter, James and John. They one day decided to leave their wives for
a trip. Before they left, James had an urgent call and had to rush to the hospital but Peter and John decided to go ahead
of James. On their way, the following conversation ensued.
Peter: "John, I have realized something about women."
John: "What is it?"
Peter: "Whenever they are pregnant and read a book, they give birth to the number of main characters in the story.
An example was when my wife was pregnant and she read 'The twins of Babylon' she gave birth to twins
John: "I think you are right. When my wife was pregnant and she read the story of the three musketeers, she gave
birth to triplets."
Peter: "Looks like I must inform James not to let his wife read the book on 'Ali Baba and the forty thieves'."
By Magnus Ben- Addy of Achimota Sec. Sch
1. A woman once told her friend, "Me and my husband were once so happy in our lives... then we met."
2. A butcher carrying a large piece of meat on his back once met a Pakistan woman with her baby and he passed a small
friendly comment, "You also like bush meat, huh?" and pointed at the baby.
By Yaw Djin Achimota Sec. Sch
During a Geography lesson, a teacher with bald hair was teaching his student about deserts. He explained that deserts
are land areas with no trees.
Trying to draw the attention of the class on the topic, he asked Kofi to give an example of a desert.
This is what ensued between them.
Teacher: With all respect, Kofi, give me an example of a desert.
Kofi: Sir, with all humbleness, your head is a typical example of a desert.
Lawrence Sowah
1. A man went to his would be father-in-law and told him he has come to ask for his daughter's hand in marriage and this
is what the semi-illiterate would be father-in-law said, "Sorry gentleman, it's either you take all of her or you forget
her hand.
2. Two boys were fighting. One punched the other in the forehead hard and he died. The other boy said he would chase the
dead boy even to his grave so he killed himself. All along a curious boy was watching and wanted to see them fight again,
so he hurried home and drunk some DDT but was caught just in the nick of time and rushed to the hospital.
Immediately he regained consciousness he shouted, "Have they finished the fight?"
3. A teacher entered his class on morning and this is what happened:
Teacher: "Good morning class!"
Students: "Good morning sir!"
Teacher: "Today before I start teaching I will like you all to pay attention."
Student: "Sir, how much?"
By George Djan
1. Vida: Come along; I have lost my dog
Linda: Why don't you put an advertisement in the papers?
Vida: Don't be silly, my dog can't read
2. A man once had a dog. The dog accidentally bit a stranger who came to the house. A friend of the man came to the house
and this is the conversation that took place between them
Friend: Where is your dog?
Man: I have taken it to the verterinary.
Friend: Why?
Man: To sharpen the teeth.
3. There lived a wealthy man called Kanda. He was always robbed by armed robbers. A friend of his came to the house and
asked him why his house was always being robbed. He told his friend that he always locks the door but because of fresh air,
he removed the louvre blade and opens the window throughout the night. His friend advised him to close his window and buy
a fan. The man being stingy, refused his friend's advise.The next evening he closed his window and went to sleep. The next
morning, his friend came to his house and still things were missing. His friend asked, " Why, didn't you close the window."
He replied, "I did close the window but opened the main door for fresh air since I am very fat!"
Donald A. Marshall
1. A teacher asked his students to name the types of beans we have. One of them raised his hand and said, "sir, cowpea."
The teacher said no. Another student said red beans and the teacher said yes. Another also said white beans and the teacher
said yes.
Another student raised his hand and said, "Sir, human beings."
2. A man called for a taxi and told the driver the destination. He asked for fare.
Driver: "25000 cedis, your luggage is free."
Man: "Carry my luggage, I will walk."
3. A man punished his son by spanking him.
After this, he said, "Son, I love you, that is why I punished you."
Son: "I wish I could spank you back to show my love too."
Celestina Kwakyewaa N.
Kofi after playing and soiling himself with mud rushed home and dirtied his fathers polished living room.
Father (Scolding): How dare you dirty my living room you fool!!! You Stupid, dirty and aimless boy. Kofi rushed out of
the room and met Mr. Ransford, his father's friend at the door.
Mr. Ransford: Hello Kofi, you are growing more and more like your father each single day.
Kofi: I know. He was just telling me.
Benjamin Emi-Reynolds
Click here to mail me.
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